I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
