oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
