I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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