im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
