just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
