I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
