Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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