she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
