the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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