NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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