What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You pole danced in your parka.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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