I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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