now i know why i became what i already was.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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