she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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