Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
