I think I won the penis lottery.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Holy shit dude........stairs
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
