Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
being pregnant is like rehab
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
