I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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