She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You did what with his pubic hair?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
