If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
