I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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