They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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