you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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