life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she woke up with a sticky ear
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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