Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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