just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
last night I used snow as a chaser
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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