my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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