I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
