farters have to be the big spoon...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Acid is not a monday night drug
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
