if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Panties = found
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
