I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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