I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
