Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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