You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
