i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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