You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
