i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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