The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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