when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
