there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
