Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
pray to the hookup gods
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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