Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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