"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
my god I love twenty year old dicks
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
