Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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