I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
