how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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