well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
