eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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