Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
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