these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
