I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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