Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
