Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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